Hope Over Experience

So, 2013.  I thought I’d be so pleased to see the back of 2012 which was, without doubt, the hardest year I have ever had in my life so far.  NYE itself was hard, though: by bidding farewell to the year that mum died, it felt like I was saying goodbye to her a little bit more.  With the anniversary of her death around the corner, I know that the difficult first milestones aren’t over and, again, while I can’t wait to get through them I know that each one will mark a step further away from mum.  We are expecting our second baby this year and I know this too will lead to so many conflicting emotions: it will be hard to bear at times but I’m determined that this will mark a new positive start, a better time for our family after several years of uphill battles.

I have to send my thanks to Kate (kateonthinice) for her comment on my last post which I am sorry to say I didn’t reply to properly.  It meant a great deal to me to have someone tell me to give myself a break, to step back and see what I am dealing with at the moment and give myself permission not to try and take on yet more pressure and “things to do”.  I think the fact that it meant so much led to me not knowing how to respond: that is something I need to work on.  I’ve never been very good at accepting help from people, or trusting that when people say lovely or supportive things that they actually mean them.  It probably comes from several instances of being sucked in by fair weather friends, and if nothing else mum’s illness showed me very clearly those who felt our friendship was important enough to overcome the British discomfort with talking about difficult subjects, and those who disappeared like the proverbial rats up a drain as soon as the going got a bit tough.

New Year’s resolutions seem a bit trite against this background.  So much has changed fundamentally that setting resolutions would feel like scratching the surface.  I have made a few, which I hope will lead me back to myself, though, and seeing as they should be enjoyable “tasks” there are no excuses!  But I guess if I don’t stick to them perhaps they aren’t pastimes I enjoy as much as I think I do...which is all part of the learning process.  So, every week I want to have completed one of each of the following:

1.       a new blog post (I know, I know – my poor track record doesn’t exactly instil confidence but there’s nothing like the triumph of hope over experience);

2.       a short story exercise;

3.       a watercolour portrait/ life drawing; and

4.       baking – ideally something new but anything is good.

Not so much as resolution as an ongoing challenge, is trying to acknowledge and accept that there are things in life (people, situations) that will not change, and that all I can do is to change my attitude to those things.  Did I say challenge?  Make that a lifetime’s work! But one well worth embarking upon.  Wish me luck!